Office Romance – Is it for You?
According to a recent survey of workers by the job-search website, Accolade Recruitment* four out of 10 (or nearly 80%) employees have dated someone at work, 17% (or almost half) have done it twice and a whopping 69% have done a 69.
Top scientists have also proved that women do it to get ahead and men do it to get head.
So when starting at a new company is the ambitious employee must quickly take a look at the talent and ask themselves – is it for me?
With recent estimates suggesting that the average worker spends more than half their waking hours on the job, it’s understandable that the average person spends more time looking at the buttocks of a colleague more than their own partner, partly due to proximity and convenience. Our survey also found that 79% (or 1 in 3) of workers who have office relationships don’t even try to hide them any more—compared with 46% (or nearly one third) just five years ago.
Interestingly, our survey also found that though both men and women take part in office relationships most people largely direct their annoyance or anger at the woman – and quite rightly so.
Over 300% (or nearly everyone) admitted to being a massive gossip and over 100% of woman admitted to being jealous bitches.
So here are the basic dos and don’ts of office shagging:
Whether you’re already romantically involved at work, or just thinking about it, here’s how to avoid heartache – and unemployment.
DO: Pick an ugly one
Don’t try to go for the best looking man or woman. It’ll only lead to tears (assuming you even get that far). It’s much better to talk to the plain jane in accounts and the bald, tubby man in transactions if you want to get your leg over. They’ve probably not had much action so will be up your pants like a ferret, if they think they’re getting some.
DO: Find a comfortable spot
Yes, due to the logistical and practical difficulties involved in putting two sets of genitals in the same place, it’s very important to find a comfortable place. Unless you have a bedsit near the office, it’s more likely that you’ll be fornicating in a toilet or the park behind Morrisons. Or maybe a car.
Make sure you always take a warm, waterproof blanket wherever you go and be careful when using a public toilet which often have timers meaning that the door will open automatically when the 50p runs out.
The last thing you want is a colleague or small child looking directly at your naked arse.
DON’T: Say you love them
You will win very little support for your relationship and you run the risk of their partner turning up at the office with a large tin of paint for your car. Relationship psychotherapist Phil McCrackin says: “it’s not a crime to fancy someone but telling them you love them just to get an extra blow-job or clit-flick can be very damaging. Just play it cool, and say “thanks, that was classic intercourse. Catch you later.”
DO: Flirt discreetly:
Absolute discretion is the key to a successful office romance. Brushing past someone and fingering their jumper or pretending to drop your pen so you can look up their skirt is far more enticing than rubbing yourself all over their stationery.
Also, people are always watching, the nosey gits. Subtle flirting allows you to maintain your professionalism and keep an air of mystery between you and your object of lust.
DON’T: Misread the signals
Is she smiling at you, or does the idiot smile at everyone? Be aware that many people put on a ‘friendly’ mask at work.
You risk huge embarrassment – and possibly your job – if you proposition the boss and she doesn’t even know who you are.
Do the groundwork and if you think they’re interested, build up a friendship and laugh at whatever rubbish they talk.
DO: Keep an eye out for cameras
It’s all part of the package of an office romance to get it when you can but if you don’t want your toilet exploits broadcast at the Christmas party, look out for security cameras.
DO: Watch your appearance:
Don’t try too hard to catch his attention. It only takes a bit more lipstick and a slightly shorter skirt for people to start talking and calling you a whore. If you don’t want colleagues to suspect your motives and to avoid malicious comments, keep your look dull and drab and your head down (no pun intended!).
DO: Be careful with e-mails:
Hit the wrong key and the whole building will know how – and where – you like your strawberries and whipped cream to go. It’s likely that those gits in IT can access your e-mails anyway so be cautious.
DON’T: Fall foul of company law:
Although there are no specific laws that prevent office romances, your company might have its own policy.
Harry Balzac, an employment lawyer at Bell End Associates, says: “Office romances are usually frowned upon because of the issue of confidentiality.
For instance, a company would be worried if the head of IT was in a relationship with another employee. Important security information could be transferred during intercourse or a pen drive might be inserted in the wrong hole and allegations of misconduct can be made.
Firms could also argue that office relationships encroach on company time and disrupt the office environment. Some employers will expect you to change departments. Read your contract thoroughly”.
DON’T: Ask them to marry you:
According to our survey, half of all workplace romances (or nearly 90%) result in marriage. Try not to seem too eager though. It’s wise at least to ask her if she fancies a drink before you take her up the aisle (or the bottom).
DO: Be selfish
Just in case it does go tits up (even with an ugly lover) it’s best to play it cool and be a bastard. Who cares if they’ve got 5 minutes for a fondle in the stationery cupboard? You’ve got to get that expenses form filled in, so they’ll just have to wait until you can find time. It’ll keep them hot and wet anyway.
*Almost 6 people (or nearly half) were cold-called by Accolade at some point in the last 3 years.Some of them even replied.
* The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of Accolade Recruitment only and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of any other Recruitment agency or the Department of Employment. Any examples of analysis or case-studies discussed within this article should only be utilized in real-world situations at the candidate’s risk as they are based on often limited and debatable source information.